How have you been doing? I hope the Pakistani mountain weather doesnt get too chilly late at night but I bet you’re having a good time up there.

Its been a while since we got in touch; the last time i texted you to tell you that I’m getting engaged to my mail-order Vietnamese bride, you replied “Ok”.

“OK..” ?!! What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

You know how expensive SMS rates are from Pakistan to Singapore so it just seems that you are doing it out of spite. And you also know how much i hate one word SMS replies.

You were supposed to be my best friend,dude. Remember the times we had; hitting the town getting drunk till 3 in the morning, making cat calls at streetwalkers from the back of my old Volvo, stealing Kalashnikovs and killing Russians for the CIA? (Its an open secret that Rambo 3 is basically a composite of all our missions in Afghanistan together)

I was Rambo and you were the general that got caught

Those were good times,man. Since then we’ve both gone our separate ways; I finally completed my Bachelor’s degree in Astronomy and I vaguely remember reading in the papers that you orchestrated a terrorist operation that involved hijacking and crashing commercial airplanes into the World Trade Centre in New York.

You know I’m the kind of guy who would be happy for his friends if they became famous and will try and leech off their popularity (I bet you recall Ayman “Da Zawaman” Zawahiri tap dancing his way to 2nd place in Egypt’s Got Talent? I was telling anyone who would listen I borrowed him the 20 bucks to buy those tap dance shoes).

But I gotta be honest; September 11 was not cool,man. Like really not cool. For real. I’m serious. Look at my serious face below.

Don’t ask why I’m wearing shades indoors

Al-Qaeda was supposed to be fun,man. That was our DREAM remember?

It was supposed to be just a bunch of dudes, growing beards, chilling out,eating pizza while watching English football, misinterpreting the Quran and jokingly declaring Jihad on anyone who walked past our dorm in University…

I understand that people grow but your latest outburst really takes the cake,my good man.

Come on, dude. Obama’s doing his best to make the world a better place with his made for Hollywood good looks, honey drenched smooth baritone voice and eloquent PR soundbite quotables.

Was it really really necessary to be such a jerk and accuse him of “planting seeds of hatred and revenge” when the guy is practically Jesus himself, except that he’s black and instead of being the Messiah, he’s the President of the country with the most massive arsenal of nuclear weapons which makes him more awesome.

Tell me: How do you hate this guy?

So shame on you. And don’t even let me get started on that piece of brown sugar you kept as a toy way back.

I just felt that it is my responsibility as good friend, to let you know that I may not be okay on some issues with you and you should seriously consider your views and (potential) actions that willl hurt probably 1 or 2 people along the way. But you know when all is said and done, I still love you,man.

Your “bro before ho”,

Zainal Abidin

P.S Some people even think you guys are brothers so I think you should try being nicer to him since you’re all famous now.

Can’t you see; he’s actually a Muslim!!

It was the morning after Fat Chubby Ang Moh’s GV Gold Class date with some random skank.

Nice Tall Ang Moh: Glad to see you didn’t make the 9′o clock news yesterday.

Me: “Drunken Irish gets thrown out of GV Vivocity, with his pants down”!

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: Why didn’t anybody tell me the Wolverine movie is absolute shite? Useless lot you all are.

Ginger Ang Moh (Boss) : Why aren’t you guys making any sales calls? No sales calls equals to no money. Oh, and i did tell you the other day Wolverine got mixed reviews.

Fat Chubby Ang Moh : Mixed reviews is whole different ballpark to an absolute stinker.

Me: If the movie was that bad, I reckon both of you must have been so bored, you got some action, didn’t you?

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: (looks contemplative)

Nice Tall Ang Moh: You didn’t like ask her to jerk you off under the blanket did you?!

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: NO!! What the fuck do you guys think I am?

Me: So you didn’t score yesterday, mack daddy?

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: She said its better if we stayed as close friends:

Ginger Ang Moh: TOUCHDOWN IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!

Fat, Chubby Ang Moh: Oi Hitler youth (referring to me), where are those posh movie thingies you talked about last time?

Me: oh. GV Gold Class you mean?

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: Yeah,what’s so fucking good about it? And where is it

Nice, Tall Ang Moh: Can you try not to swear so much in the office? Anyway it’s in Vivocity.

Me: They have it in Great World City as well. Its 20+ bucks per head.

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: Nobody’s answering any of my fucking questions. I asked whats so fucking good about it.

Me: Fucking hell. You sit your lazy ass on a big ass couch and they serve food to you. Thats about it.

Nice,Tall Ang Moh: You get a blanket as well.

Fat Chubby Ang Moh: (eyes gleaming)

Nice, Tall Ang Moh: And no. You can’t have sex in there.